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annainnycalps
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22. Georgia born. California grown. NYC living. Currently living in Grenoble, France for the semester.
writing, theater, stories, art, acting, singing, fashion, reading, being inspired, creative solutions, discussions, 1950s fashion, anything or anyone that makes me smile.
George W. Bush, racism, close-mindedness, violence...the usual stuff hippies don't like.
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[17 Feb 2007|11:40pm] |
I'm making all of my posts friends only from now on because I'm posting in a lot of big communities and I don't want people to randomly netstalk me or something or find out where I live or work, etc. But I don't feel like I've written anything SUPER personal, I just...don't feel comfortable anymore.
Is there a way to lock all posts or do I have to do it by hand?
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[09 Feb 2007|09:25pm] |
Elle MacPherson hasn't had sex for two years. The Australian supermodel and lingerie designer says she doesn't have much luck with men.
She told Esquire: "It's crazy but, apart from a brief romantic intermission last summer, I have been single and celibate for two years. How boring is that?" The 43-year-old beauty - who was seen out with actor Ray Fearson at the end of last year - claims men are intimidated by her looks. She said: "I just don't get men hitting on me, but I'm a hopeless flirt. I'll go up to a guy and say, 'I think you are so beautiful'. But it doesn't work."
Elle - who has two sons by ex-boyfriend financier Arki Busson - has also denied ever romping with Colin Farrell, Al Pacino and former England soccer player Sol Campbell. She said: "None of it is true. Some of them I don't even know. Others are just friends. I don't do flings because relationships are important to me."
Now I don't feel so bad about myself.
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[09 Feb 2007|01:32pm] |
I ate at Applebee's last night.
Today I am home from work, sick every three minutes. THANKS APPLEBEE'S
Lauren got sick too, so at least I didn't suffer in silence and solitude.
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[21 Dec 2006|09:08pm] |
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Oh kidney infections...how you slay me!
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[04 Dec 2006|11:05pm] |
I'm on a roll with this LJ thing. Ew.
I've been having trouble sleeping lately...I think its because we eat so late and I wake up with an upset stomach/heart burn. BLAH.
Anyway, Lauren mentioned seeing Spring Awakening since we couldn't get tickets over the summer....and I must admit after exploring the website the songs, etc. are growing on me. At first I thought it was kind of weird that it sounds like some sort of rock show, but I guess that's kind of cool/growing on me.
"Bitch of Living" music video:
http://www.springawakening.com/spring_awakening_video.php
I'm excited to see it!
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[04 Dec 2006|07:35am] |
I've been so stressed out in the past few days that I didn't even sleep last night, causing me to miss school today, which stressed me out even more....a loooong ass snowball effect. I'm worried my credits won't transfer because I've missed a lot of class. They say as long as my school is aware I have a health issue, its fine and they can write a letter telling them I have a health problem. Eh.
Which brings me to the next issue. In the next few months before grad school, assuming I get in, I will have no medical insurance. I cannot afford the high cost of health insurance by myself...all I can afford is high deductible health insurance, which is stupid to have because its sort of useless. If I was hospitalized or god forbid something drastic happen to me, I'd be in the hole $5,000, which I can't afford.
I would have to pay $100 to go to the ER, which is scary since I've had several ER visits at Chapman and been admitted for kidney infections....I can't pay over $1,000 per kidney infection.
And then there's the object of getting me insured in general. I was filling out forms to get quotes and it asked me if I had an immune system disorder. Do I say no and pretend I had no idea I had this? I can't or they'll get pissed and take away my insurance. And I can't go uninsured because I DO have an immune system disorder and its a given that in a 9 month period, I WILL have to be on antibiotics for one thing or another. And the stuff I come down with, I can't ignore it because doing that leads to serious consequences....I've got chronic sinus and kidney infections. The former leading to brain damage if you don't treat it, the latter leading to a transplant or blood poisoning/death if you ignore it.
So this is bullshit. My parents are trying to keep me on theirs by pretending I'm still a student because I was as of this fall, but I'm worried if something happens they'll KNOW I'm not a student and make me pay anyway.
And then there's the issue of the fact that I don't understand why all of this costs so much anyway.....in France I was able to see a doctor for 20 euros and one of my medicine packets was, no joke, ONE EURO. And I'm not insured. They're like "Give this to your doctor in the US to reimburse you." Yeah right. They'd laugh their asses all the way to the bank.
Americans are being ripped off for health care....why aren't people outraged?
I would qualify for free health care, but I'm not a resident of NY State....I guess this is what comes of being young....
PS- My host mom asked me if there's anything about France I don't like...that she likes to ask this of every student who comes to visit. So I told her it was sort of annoying how early everything closed and how you can't go shopping on Sunday and she got totally offended and was like "Well, we do that because we don't want to be slaves to shopping." LOL Pascale. You asked, ho.
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[03 Dec 2006|05:49pm] |
Too true...
"ODE TO THE NICE GIRLS
This is a tribute to the nice girls. To the nice girls who are overlooked, who become friends and nothing more, who spend hours fixating upon their looks and their personalities and their actions because it must be they that are doing something wrong.
This is for the girls who don't give it up on the first date, who don't want to play mind games, who provide a comforting hug and a supportive audience for a story they've heard a thousand times.
This is for the girls who understand that they aren't perfect and that the guys they're interested in aren't either, for the girls who flirt and laugh and worry and obsess over the slightest glance, whisper, touch, because somehow they are able to keep alive that hope that maybe... maybe this time he'll have understood. This is an homage to the girls who laugh loud and often, who are comfortable in skirts and sweats and combat boots, who care more than they should for guys who don't deserve their attention.
This is for those girls who have been in the trenches, who have watched other girls time and time again fake up and make up and fuck up the guys in their lives without saying a word.
This is for the girls who have been there from the beginning and have heard the rite words of advice, from "there are plenty of fish in the sea," to "time heals all wounds." This is to honor those girls who know that guys are just as scared as they are, who know that they deserve better, who are seeking to find it .
This is for the girls who have never been in love, but know that it's an experience that they don't want to miss out on. For the girls who have sought a night with friends and been greeted by a night of catcalling, rude L0VESzs and explicit invitations that they'd rather not have experienced.
This is for the girls who have spent their weekends sitting on the sidelines of a beer pong tournament or a case race, or playing Florence Nightingale for a vomiting guy friend or a comatose crush, who have received a drunk phone call just before dawn from someone who doesn't care enough to invite them over but is still willing to pass out in their bed.
This is for the girls who have left sad song lyrics in their away messages, who have tried to make someone understand through a subliminally appealing profile, who have time and time again dropped their male friend hint after hint after hint only to watch him chase after the first blonde girl in a skirt.
This is for the girls who have been told that they're too good or too smart or too pretty, who have been given compliments as a way of breaking off a relationship, who have ever been told they are only wanted as a friend.
This one's for the girls who you can take home to mom, but won't because it's easier to sleep with a whore than foster a relationship; this is for the girls who have been led on by words and kisses and touches, all of which were either only true for the moment, or never real to begin with.
This is for the girls who have allowed a guy into their head and heart and bed, only to discover that he's just not ready, he's just not over her, he's just not looking to be tied down; this is for the girls who believe the excuses because it's easier to believe that it's not that they don't want you, it's that they don't want anyone.
This is for the girls who have had their hearts broken and their hopes dashed by someone too cavalier to have cared in the first place; this is for the nights spent dissecting every word and syllable and inflection in his speech, for the nights when you've returned home alone, for the nights when you've seen from across the room him leaning a little too close, or standing a little too near, or talking a little too softly for the girl he's with to be a random hookup.
This is for the girls who have endured party after party in his presence, finally having realized that it wasn't that he didn't want a relationship: it was that he didn't want you. I honor you for the night his dog died or his grandmother died or his little brother crashed his car and you held him, thinking that if you only comforted him just right, or said the right words, or rubbed his back in the right way then perhaps he'd realize what it was that he already had. This is for the night you realized that it would never happen, and the sunrise you saw the next morning after falling to sleep.
This is for the "I really like you, so let's still be friends" comment after you read more into a situation than he ever intended; this is for never realizing that when you choose friends, you seldom choose those which make you cry yourself to sleep. This is for the hugs you've received from your female friends, for the nights they've reassured you that you are beautiful and intelligent and amazing and loyal and truly worthy of a great guy; this is for the despair you all felt as you sat in the aftermath of your tears, knowing that that night the only companionship you'd have was with a pillow and your teddy bear.
This is for the girls who have been used and abused, who have endured what he was giving because at least he was giving something; this is for the stupidity of the nights we've believed that something was better than nothing, though his something was nothing we'd have ever wanted.
This is for the girls who have been satisified with too little and who have learned never to expect anything more: for the girls who don't think that they deserve more, because they've been conditioned for so long to accept the scraps thrown to them by guys.
This is what I don't understand. Men sit and question and whine that girls are only attracted to the mean guys, the guys who berate them and belittle them and don't appreciate them and don't want them; who use them for sex and think of little else than where their next conquest will be made. Men complain that they never meet nice girls, girls who are genuinely interested and compelling, who are intelligent and sweet and smart and beautiful; men despair that no good women want to share in their lives, that girls play mindgames, that girls love to keep them hanging. Yet, men, I ask you: were you to meet one of these genuinely interested, thrillingly compelling, interesting and intelligent and sweet and beautiful and smart girls, were you to give her your number and wait for her to call... and if you were to receive a call from her the next day and she, in her truthful, loyal, intelligent and straightforward nice girl fashion, were to tell you that she finds you intriguing and attractive and interesting and worth her time and perhaps material from which she could fashion a boyfriend, would you or would you not immediately call your friends to tell them of the "stalker chick" you'd met the night prior, who called you and wore her heart on her sleeve and told the truth? And would you, or would you not, refuse to make plans with her, speak with her, see her again, and once again return to the bar or club or party scene and search once more for this "nice girl" who you just cannot seem to find? Because therein lies the truth, guys: we nice girls are everywhere. But you're not looking for a nice girl. You're not looking for someone genuinely interested in your intermural basketball game, or your anatomy midterm grade, or that argument you keep having with your father; you're looking for a quick fix, a night when you can pretend to have a connection with another human being which is just as disposable as the condom you were using during it.
So don't say you're on the lookout for nice girls, guys, when you pass us up on every step you take. Sometimes we go undercover; sometimes we go in disguise: sometimes when that girl in the low cut shirt or the too tight miniskirt won't answer your catcalls, sometimes you're looking at a nice girl in whore's clothing - - we might say we like the attention, we might blush and giggle and turn back to our friends, but we're all thinking the same thing: "This isn't me. Tomorrow morning, I'll be wearing a teeshirt and flannel shorts, I'll have slept alone and I'll be making my hungover best friend breakfast. See through the disguise. See me." You never do. Why? Because you only see the exterior, you only see the slutty girl who welcomes those advances. You don't want the nice girl.. so don't say you're looking for a relationship: relationships take time and energy and intent, three things we're willing to extend - - but in return, we're looking for compassion and loyalty and trust, three things you never seem willing to express. Maybe nice guys finish last, but in the race they're running they're chasing after the whores and the sluts and the easy-targets... the nice girls are waiting at the finish line with water and towels and a congradulatory hug (and yes, if she's a nice girl and she likes you, the sweatiness probably won't matter), hoping against hope that maybe you'll realize that they're the ones that you want at the end of that silly race."
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[25 Nov 2006|05:35pm] |
I really don't know how much longer I can deal with this. This. is. hell. I hate that I've had to deal with this so many times. Ugh, I'm so over it.
Um, saw Fast Food Nation today, starring like everyone ever and Ashley Johnson who I met at one of Matthew Jordan's parties....but it was one of those weird "You're famous but we're going to pretend like you're normal." parties, even though she played Chrissy on GROWING PAINS. I thought she fell into oblivion. I have a lot of opinions on that movie, least of all the Avril Lavigne is a terrible actress (but is way hot), but I don't feel like going into it.
We met with an Italian guy trying to learn American-dialected English today. He cracks my shit up. He reminds me of that kid from Everything is Illuminated because he thinks the United States is the best place in the entire world. he is sort of tall and lanky like him too, he just doesn't break dance in Odessa. It was kind of a nice change from all of the haters though. Everyone here either hates the US or loves it and wants to move there. Its weird.
All right, I'm going to bed.
I just need to write that down I guess.
RELAX.
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[24 Nov 2006|08:34pm] |
My dear LJ,
I took a wedding prediction calculator test today. It predicts I will be married by September 12, 2009.
That seems much too soon, fair wedding date calculator.
-Anna
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[24 Nov 2006|10:51am] |
I've met some really amazing people in my last month here, and it sucks that I am meeting them just as we are about to leave. It keeps showing me how negative my whole group is....everyone in it is either negative or a big partier (as in drunk 5 nights a week)...and I just can't handle it. There are exceptions, yes and I take take most everyone and can enjoy them in small doses, but at several points I've felt like the only way to fit in was to be negative about everyone and everything or drink until I puke every night (which I can't even do anyway because I have an intolerance to alchohol now).
I told one of the girls about what's going on and she said she has the same problem. I never would have guessed it. I'm working hard to get over it, or at least cope with it as best I can here.
"The only thing we have to fear is fear itself."
I think that quote was written for me....I've never found anything so true in my life as I do that quote right now. I am afraid OF being afraid. Such is the cycle of what's been going on.
Oh well, it won't last forever.
We ate some really good Chinese food for lunch, so the MSG is kicking in...and now its time for a nap.
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[24 Nov 2006|03:43am] |
Well, after being in France for so long living with psycho anorexia woman, my body mas index has reduced from 24.7 to 22.
And no I'M not anorexic, I've just been living off of rabbit and healthy food. Apparently there is a back story to my host mom's madness....
This is the skinniest I've ever been....healthily.
I wonder how long I'll stay like this in the States....by gum I'm going to try.
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[23 Nov 2006|11:55am] |
Thanksgiving.
This is my first Thanksgiving away from home. It makes me feel like I've skipped it this year, although we are having a party tonight for the other Americans.
But here is a list of what I am thankful for this year:
My parents
My mom, who I used to love/hate but now I love her to death. Must be the distance. :)
My brother, who writes me letters everyday
My relative health
The amazing opportunities I've been presented this year
All of the wonderful things I have to look forward to
Graduating!
All of my friends who've been keeping up with me at Chapman and from Los Gatos and UNR
The few non-weird friends I've made here who I'd like to keep in touch with
Learning to speak French
All the opportunities for personal growth I've had
Above all: Life
I'm not going to lie, things have been tough recently. But I've been in this place before and I found my way out relatively quickly. Soon I'll be home and "sorted" (as my British friends say). I have so much to be thankful for. I'm trying to hang in there and not let it cripple me or affect the rest of my time here. I guess to put it cheesily, G-d tests us and challenges us all of the time. And things happen that aren't fair.
My year has been amazingly good and amazingly bad all rolled into one, but this is what sums it up:
I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned, the hard way, that some poems don't rhyme, and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious Ambiguity.
-Gilda Radner
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[19 Nov 2006|09:37am] |
I keep having dreams I'm pregnant.
According to the Dream Dictionary, it means I'm growing as a person.
I can accept that.
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[13 Nov 2006|12:02pm] |
Its days like this when I'm totally sick of having this illness.
And it really sucks when people think its made up to cover up my own laziness or weakness.
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| Am I Bitter? Reality Check... |
[12 Nov 2006|11:10am] |
I haven't dated anyone exclusively since August 2005. Its been a mixture of the fact that I'm not that kind of girl who just has sex with guys and never calls them again and is okay with that, I can recognize assholes pretty quickly, most guys are just after sex or someone to just mess around with and bail when they start becoming emotionally involved. I have the option of dating men who are much older than myself, which I've entertained by going on dates with a couple of men who are 26-28 and I've found all of them seem ready for marriage. I'm not ready for marriage at all....I used to think 26 was a good marriage age, but now it keeps getting pushed farther and farther back.
I know I want to get married eventually because I want to adopt a child from Russia or Poland one day, and I don't want to raise him or her by myself. And I would like to "fall in love" and have that happy ending, but I realize there's no such thing as a happy ending....not that every marriage has to end in divorce, but there is no such thing as falling in love and riding off into the sunset and everything being perfect forever.
And of course self-confidence issues where I don't believe I can actually catch and keep a worthy guy, but hopefully I'll get over that by the time I'm ready to meet someone for realsies.
I have so much I want to do with my life, and not all of it includes being with someone. And I sort of want to date a guy in band who dresses all grungy and wears ridiculous sunglasses and sings whiny white boy music before I'm serious about settling down. I still have to do that.
But everywhere I turn, I see these girls who are so wrapped up in their boyfriends. They're my age or younger and think they're going to marry them. They're convinced. One girl in my group told me she and her boyfriend were talking about marriage and had only been dating for 6 months, 3 of which she's been here. Everytime we're in the computer lab, she's staring at pictures of him.
It just weirds me out and scares me for so many girls who wrap themselves so completely up in someone else. I was so incredibly hurt when Charles and I broke up, and I don't even remember being that wrapped up in him. I loved him, but I don't remember thinking "We're getting married and having 3 kids and when we're apart all I can do is stare at pictures of him." Granted, I was dealing with two other incredibly stressful events at the time of our breakup, I still can't imagine how hurt you would be if you had actually thought all of this was going to happen.
It makes me wonder if I'm bitter and I needed to just "believe in love" and be happy for all of these girls who are so obsessed with their boyfriends and think at 20 years old they've found the one. I'm still a hopeless romantic and believe my future husband is hiding somewhere and I'll find him when I'm ready. But it just all worries me.
I know men can be very wrapped up in their girlfriends, but its never, ever as common. I've been reading a lot of Cosmo here because its one of the few English publications we get, and it pretty much tells women to base their lives on their husband's needs, completely ignoring the fact that a relationship is a equilibrium where you SHOULD think about the other person's needs, but you can't neglect your own.
I guess that just concerns me because the bottom line for me feels like the women's movement really hasn't moved as far foward as we pretend it has.
Of course there are exceptions to the rule of what I just wrote about. I have a friend who at 22 thinks she's going to marry her boyfriend, but she always talks to me about the difference between temporary happiness and actually being settled. And I'm not ignoring the fact that some women do find the loves of their lives at 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23 or 24 and end up having a wonderful life together.....but its these girls that fuse into their boyfriends that really worry me, and then the fact that people just encourage it.
Its almost as if a woman is nothing without a man at her side.
And you can't find your happiness from SOMEONE.
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[08 Nov 2006|11:17am] |
In the midst of weirdos I've been thrown with in France, I met this girl today and we had an amazing conversation about life, love and everything. It was really great. She's with another group of Americans and she invited me to come hang out with them, which really made my day. I've been having a lot of time to myself since I have only clicked with 2 or 3 people in my group. Its been good for introspection and figuring out what's next, but I also love socializing. Maybe I expected too much in the way of forming platonic relationships as it usually comes easily to me. But it usually comes easily when there are enough personalities to choose from....there haven't really been here. I'm not moping about it, I do enjoy time to myself, its just odd and a change.
I'm trying to move on from my life at Chapman, but I guess its a step-by-step thing. Gradually as things pick up, I'm sure i'll begin to have my own life. I hope....I guess its okay to stay in touch with people, but not okay to use them as my sole social outlet. I need to pick a happy medium.
I've made some important realizations about myself and the world around me, so I guess that's all that counts.
I had a good second interview, but I don't want to jinx it.
I also remember someone, maybe Oolie, telling me that certain works of art whether they be plays, books or movies find you when you need them. I was thinking about that today as we watched this movie in French class that basically told me to chill out about the one thing I can't stop stressing out about.
I guess that's it. Sorry I'm not more exciting.
Next on my list of self-improvements is to learn to not be so sensitive and not be hurt so quickly and easily.
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[01 Nov 2006|08:59am] |
I'm in this weird period of transition of my life from college student to living, breathing, self-succificient adult. That means a certain part of me needs to let go of the college experience and move on to face the future. The problem is, I don't exactly know what's even coming next. I know vaguely what's coming next, but no concrete plans. For a compulsive planner, that is scary. But at some point, it requires not using my old friends from school as a constant social outlet. I'm sure I'll stay in touch with a number of them, but it needs to stop being constant at some point.
I remember thinking of the quote "You don't know what you have til its gone" and I wonder if that's relative. Maybe its true, but maybe we're just too focused on glorifying the past that we stop seeing the beauty in the present.
I guess I'm about to start on a great adventure....and this is sort of the beginning of everything. I think your 20s, for most modern people anyway, is about self-discovery and figuring out who you are, acheiving your selfish goals and then ultimately finding someone who you'll want to be with forever as you start to mature and figure yourself out.
Its exciting, but oh-so-scary.
I feel like last week I was that awkward 9th grader just starting high school...and now I'm two months shy of being a college graduate. And soon I'll be a graduate student. That doesn't seem possible!
And PS- everyone takes themselves way too seriously
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[29 Oct 2006|03:11pm] |
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Volare-Dean Martin |
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Whoa, yesterday's entry was period-fest 2006. Sorry. I just get so stressed out about everything. I know I'll get everything done, I just am like "OMG! I have to do everything NOW NOW NOW!" and I was frustrated at my incompetency with French at the library and the failure to understand why I would have to wait 50 minutes to get a library book. I just felt like such an outsider.
I have a TERRIBLE cold, but my host sister went and found everything in the house in the way of host medicine and I was able to sleep a little. My mom suggested I mix hot water and salt and snort it and I did and it did nothing but hurt and feel like I got hit in the face by a wave. Oh mom!
Three Good Things:
-P. Diddy is in France and was on Star Academy and some other show here. I laughed. My host sister was like "Why is he wearing sunglasses inside?"
-I got an interview with a HUGE theater company in NYC (that NPH worked at, no less). They obviously have an extensive interview process and I've only had one, so I'm not sure if I'll even make it to round two, but they'll let me know sometime this week. If I got it, it would be amazing.
-The Follies Bergere (the real one, not the one in Las Vegas, duh) is doing Cabaret and guess who gets to go this weekend?!!! I'm not sure if its in English or French, but I'm so excited regardless.
Oh and I'm going to my favorite city in the world this weekend---PARIS!!!!
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[28 Oct 2006|11:56am] |
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I swear I'm not an angry or depressed person. I just had a really bad morning and felt like sharing it.
Since Chapman fucked me over, I have to take this online course. That sucks already. This week is a public holiday for all French people except us, which also sucks.
Anyway, we have to write two 2,000 word papers this semester, which isn't a big deal. One is in English, one in French. I polished off the English one already and sat down to do the French one.
I picked a topic I was interested in and headed over the library. They don't have most of the books i need at that library, they're all at some weird Chateau. I found 2 I need and asked the woman. She told me I needed to get a card and I couldn't get a card because I'm not French and then I'd have to wait an hour for them to retrieve the book.
I want to get this done this week because I have to do all of this shit on the internet for my other class. But I can't because the library here is weird and then the library at school is closed, I'm pretty sure, because its a public holiday all week.
I just don't know how I'm going to get all of this done. And its all because Boitano was a dick and decided to not grant me two extra credits for something I SHOULD HAVE gotten two credits for...and then Chapman refuses to accept internships for credit if they weren't completed at Chapman, even though I have a four-credit internship i took at Fordham. Thanks CU.
So I finished there and walked over to the kebab shop where about 8 14-year-old Arab boys were just staring at me. Like just staring, not even acting like they weren't. They asked me if I was from England and I said no. I hate admitting I'm American because it automatically stamps you as a pompous sophomoric dumbass. Its not that I think America is bad or whatever, its just people automatically think you can't speak another language and that you think you're better than everyone else and they'll be quick to point out that you're NOT better than they are, even though you probably already know that.
Anyway, they guessed if I was from the Czech Republic and then Poland and then Hungary and i just left....I'm constantly being hit on by boys still in high school here...never like 25 year old guys, the 14-17 year old set. The restaurant owner apologized, but I mean whatever. It was just another marker that I'm not from here and I can't fit in completely.
I guess it was just frustrating because the whole thing made me feel frustrated and like an outsider. And frustrated because I know I don't speak French that well, and frustrated because I want to write my goddamn paper.
In light of everything, last night I fell asleep and had a dream that I was trying to walk to find someone. There was a big stream and a sidewalk next to it. It seemed I could walk on the sidewalk all the way around, but for some reason I fell into the water and the current was moving so fast that I couldn't touch the sides or swim over to the sides. I knew I was going to die and I started thinking about everyone I love finding out about the fact that I died. And then I woke up. I looked in the dream dictionary and this was the interpretation:
To dream that you are drowning, signifies that you are overwhelmed by emotions or repressed issues that is coming back to haunt you. You may be proceeding too quickly in trying to discover your unconscious thoughts and therefore must proceed more cautiously and slowly.
The beginning couldn't be more true....or the repressed issues.
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